May 05, 2007

I have decided that What Not To Wear is a really bad show for me to watch. At one time, I was all excited about figuring out what it was that I was supposed to wear to make my top-heavy body look good to my friends and general public.

What I figured out was that I had to get rid of my entire wardrobe except for my pajamas and start all over again.

But if there were a fire in the middle of the night, I should leave my pajamas behind because lord knows what the firefighters and firewatchers would think of those frumpy things.

And then I was going to have to load up on fancy pants and blazers that I will have to pay an exhorbitant fee to have altered as there are no fancy pants and blazers made to fit my body type.

I was also going to have to buy pretty little tops to wear under my blazers that would hopefully make my top heaviness appear more in proportion with the bottom half of my body.

Perfect except for the fact that after years of sun damage, my chest to neckline is pretty blotchy.

But if I purchased one of those foundation spraying contraptions and hosed myself down every morning, I should hopefully be able to cover up the blotchiness.

Oh and I was going to have to do something about my hair. Sympathetic Cancer Hair was a no go. It frightens the general public.

I have recently realized that I am not going to ever wear a dress again that forces me to wear pantyhose and shoes that I can't run away from rapists in. Or chase down purse snatchers.

I am very happy in my t-shirt over long sleeved t-shirt look. Even if Cymbalta keeps me from eating too many peanut butter M&Ms and I get down to my dream weight (the one that matches my driver's license weight) I will still continue to wear t-shirts over long sleeved t-shirts. Just smaller versions.

I've been thin. It doesn't make my butt any less flat and my waist more womanly. My hips might be a little bit bigger due to childbirth but in the whole scheme of things, I'm never going to be a 36 24 36. T-shirts over long sleeved t-shirts are always going to be my best friend.

I don't live in New York or Beverly Hills. I don't have to pose like I'm rich to be happy. I am free to be what I want to be here in the midwest.

As long as what I want to be doesn't include a sweathsirt with a bear on the front of it. Embroidered or ironed-on.

Because if you ever see me wearing one of those, know that my mind has gone Lutheran Hot Dish. Send Stacy and Clinton, pronto!

This entry has been brought to you by a woman who went shopping for her summer t-shirt wardrobe yesterday and is currently wearing one of them over a long sleeved t-shirt.

Perfect for the chores that need to be done around the house today and errands that need to be run.

Comfortable and Practical.

Words that make Stacy and Clinton cringe.

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