April 13, 2007

Sometimes at the Frame Shop, we have requests to frame the oddest of items. Sometimes people will pay big money just to have three little shopping bags matted and framed. Memories of a really successful shopping excursion? Maybe. For some reason, Mr. Frame Shop and his framing employees are too polite to ask. Now, were I a framer and not a bookkeeper, who was having one on one's with some of these clients, I'd have to ask.

Especially about this:

That, my dear readers, would be a penile implant hot-glued to a well-graphic'ed matboard. I think we have a couple of dozen or so that our framers will be framing.

Did anyone who was taking on the project ask "What the hell?"

Because really, I've got some questions that need answers.

Especially this one:

"Why are there two doohickeys that look like they could be pumped up by that little handpump thingamajig over on the left of the photo? Is this a very special penile implant made for a guy with two penises?"

Seriously. How can someone not ask that?

We pondered over this quite a bit yesterday. Best I could come up with was that those two tubes are for Schnapps storage.

Oh god. That makes me just laugh all over again.

I once met a woman who was a Quality Control Manager at a local place that makes penile implants. Unfortunately I have no contact with her as we could have the answers needed. I had no idea that one day I'd be in need of answers from that old Pecker Checker or I'd have gotten her phone number.

According to the local company's website (which I won't link for fear that they've got a plant employee *that I'm picturing to look like Laverne Defazzio* with too much time on her hands who would get herself to my site, make a connection with the framer who is doing some special framing work for them, thusly no longer bringing their framing needs to our shop and you know what? It makes our day to have these types of jobs. We need more penile implant jobs!):

The prostheses consist of these parts:

Cylinders—Come (heh) in various lengths and diameters, depending on the model number. Rear-tip extenders (what?) can be placed over the solid rear tip of the cylinders to extend their lengths, for a customized fit. (does this make you horny, baby?)

Reservoir—Silicone balloon for holding saline, and kink-resistant tubing that connects the reservoir to the pump. Two sizes are available: 65 mL and 100 mL. (there are so many things I could say right now, but I'll just be quiet)

Pump—The 700 CX, Ultrex and CXR cylinders use a standard-size pump consisting of a pump bulb (for inflation), a release valve (for deflation) and connecting tubes.

I just don't see anything that explains that second cylinder.

I am, however, glad to see:

The 700 Series consists of three styles for three different patient types.

700CXTM—Controlled expansion cylinders allow for increased girth; can be used in all patient types that are able to receive a 3-piece prosthesis

700 UltrexTM—For the patient who wants expansion in girth and length; provides up to 20% cylinder elongation.

700 CXRTM—The narrowest proximal profile of any inflatable prosthesis; for scarred, fibrotic or stenotic patients

Heh. They said Girth and Elongation.

The also say:

Parylene micro coating reduces friction-based wear
Conical front tip on cylinders aids in correct placement
QuickConnect system eliminates suture ties, saves operating room time

Heh. Friction. And thankfully, Correct Placement. Also, eliminates suture ties. Ouch?

Who knew that 1) There was such a thing and 2) There are framing needs for it.

For the record? This is the very first photo that I have transferred from my cellphone to my computer. I've had the phone since Christmas and have several photos on it but have never had the need to transfer anything over. Until now.

You are very welcome.

Enjoy your Penises before they wear out and you need a double header inserted.

Seriously. What?

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