I used a tone of voice with my mother yesterday that was really harsh. And when I saw the reaction on her face, I knew that I'd gone too far.
I've been paying my mom back for her poor mothering skills since I was a teenager and I thinks it's time to stop.
She'll never change. She'll never realize the weight of her words and her actions. No matter how many times I continue to play my snotty teenage card.
It's time for me to forgive her.
This doesn't mean I'll ever have the mother/daughter relationship I had always hoped for. This doesn't mean she won't ever drive me crazy again with the goofy stuff she says.
Hopefully what it does mean is that I can now see her vulnerability. She can't give anymore than she has. She just doesn't have much to give. I don't know why that is. I liked her parents, my grandparents. But I also know that my grandma was a manipulator with a capital Manipulator. And I can see my mom playing the same game in a carbon form that only gets more dead-on the older she gets.
I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing. Taking her along for Food For Folks on Tuesdays and going out to lunch with her on occasion. What I'm going to do differently is let her whacky words roll off my back and I'm going to do my best to not tease her and not act defensive when she's saying goofy stuff. And if she feels the need to tell me again that what I'm doing is wrong, I'm not going to snap. Because when I snap, all I do is prove to her that I'm the snotty teenage girl she always thought I was.
Can you tell I spent time with the family yesterday?
We were planning for the holidays. Picking names for the gift exchange. I'm just gosh-darned excited that I only have to plan for Christmas and not The Boutique and then Christmas. I might even send out some Christmas cards this year!
Did I mention we might get snow this week?
Wasn't it just summer yesterday?
Mandatory Monday starts again tonight. But instead of the family going out to dinner, because it's too danged expensive to do that every week, we'll be having pizza at home. A summer full of baseball games and a job had us letting go of our family Mondays. It's time to start them again.
8:04 a.m. - October 09, 2006
Recent entries:
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10 Years of Blogging - October 31, 2010
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